My Mistake of Loving You
by Pumpkinee
Summary: When Heero becomes violent, Duo decides that it's time to leave. He writes him a letter telling him goodbye. He is fed up with his life with him, but Heero still loves Duo. Can they ever be together? Sentimental and angsty, this fic shows the hardship


MS: Just a little one-shot that came to mind when I was recalling things. I hope you like this little fic. It's Duo and Heero writing letters to each other, so it's not really story-telling, in truth. Yes yes, on to the rest....

Peach: And as a reader, you hold the responsibility to review, and we ask you nicely to hold up to it. I know other authors know what it's like waiting day in and day out for a review, while their story is being read by a freeloader, and for you who don't know, try to understand it can be frustrating! Thank you for paying heed, so later on, amigos.

Warnings: 1x2, angsty, a little sappy, sad altogether. If you don't like those kinds of fics, then you sometimes are missing out on some really great fics out there. There are so many great kinds you have to give all of them a try before you can hate them justly. Please enjoy!

To Mr. Yui:

I am sure you realize what this letter is regarding. In case you forgot, it's about your insensitive feelings and heartless actions conducted towards me unjustly. I am sorry to say that if something like your last violent outburst happens again, I shall be getting a restraining order. I do not have to put up with any unwanted words spoken to me from you, you should know.

I am not a simple child's boxing toy. I am not a puppet searching for a master. I am not something that you can walk all over and throw away when you are done with me. I am a human being with emotions like everyone else. It's not fair for me to put up with anything you decide to deal out to me, whether it is good or bad. I know you said you lost your temper, I know you said you'd never do it again, and that it was a mistake. But how many more mistakes will there be? I cannot be certain, and there is too much at risk if it happened once again.

Whatever you have of mine, you may keep it. I do not want to go through the hassle of gaining it back if it will only cause me more pain. Whatever I have of yours, I shall ship it to your address if you insist so. I will not ruin it or damage it in any way, so do not think I am destroying property belonging to you.

I am sorry this could not have worked out. I loved you, and in the end, I felt as though I had been broken by you. There is no way it could go on, and I am sorry if I have inconvenienced you in these past few years. I will no longer see you, and hopefully I shall never think of you again either. I give you my regards for your future, and hope you shall do as well as I am certain I will. I wish you good luck to find another pushover to take with you for the couple of years to come.

So this is my goodbye, Heero. I hope that one day I can get over the feelings I had for you and erase the memories that I shared with you. This is all for a better future on both our behalves, so please do not think I am trying to be selfish in my actions.

My regards,

Duo Maxwell

Ps. I bet you didn't know that I was intelligent enough to write such a letter without help from others. You were always so closed-minded like that.

Dear Duo Maxwell;

I guess you do not realize how many the nights I spent crying over you. I shall never be the same again, after my contact with the devil himself. You are the only one who will ever remain in my heart, and I shall never look for another soul again to replace you. I had the best, and that's good enough for me. All I wish for, as I have always, is for your happiness, whether it is spent with me or anyone else.

I never meant to hurt you, Duo. I never meant to make you angry or unhappy. Ever since I met you, all I have ever wanted was to make you happy, even if it was a sacrifice on my part. It wouldn't matter, because all I need to satisfy me is your warm face shining at me.

I know that you are not a toy. You could never be such; you are too strong in spirit. I never had any intentions of using you as a toy. You have never been, and never will be in my book. I would rather die than doing such horrendous deeds to the only person that I have ever cared for.

If you insist that I stay away from you, I shall. I will not do anything that would upset you in any manner. I would die for you if you asked me to, even if you said if I didn't, I could spend the rest of my life with you. It would be denying the trust you placed in my hands.

I will remember you. I will remember the golden fields I chased you in at sunset. I will remember the grassy hills that we rolled on, the cherished beach walks we would have. I was happy when you smiled at anything. When we were together, I felt that even the sun, the moon, and the stars were jealous of what we had. I was happy for the first time in my life. You melted my frozen heart, you made me human. You were the first person, and always will be, who made me cry out of sorrow and pain. I cannot forget your gentle touches on my rough arms, or the eyes that came alive by themselves in the yellow sky. I can never forget these memories if I tried, which I never will.

You say I only do what I want to. I don't listen to anyone, I don't help anyone. I only care for myself. It is hard for me to even consider that possibility. To think I was like that to you, the only happiness in my pathetic life, eats me away while I sleep at night, whenever I can. I beg of you, tell me what I am doing wrong. I have wasted many hours of my life pondering this, and I have come up with slight problems. Mistakes that everyone makes. If you cannot love me for me, including everything that's wrong with me, if you cannot help make me into a better person, I guess we can't be together once more. I thought you could put up with my mistakes, my human instincts, but I guess otherwise. I thought you were strong enough to help me overcome my wrongdoings, help me become someone acceptable in a world that I have been rejected from.

I realize that my mistake for hitting you that one regretful night cannot be made up for in apologies. I am sorry if I was ever abusive in any forms, and I want you to know that I shall never be the same again from even the thought of such a barbaric thought, nonetheless knowing I performed such actions on you. I do not know how I can make up for it, but if you have a suggestion, I am more than willing to hear it out. But if you still want to keep away from me, I understand completely, and shall not press you anymore to even consider the subject.

As for the items of mine... Whatever you have of mine I want you to keep in remembrance of me. When you look at it, please think of the me I have tried to be for you, for that is truly what I have worked towards for many years. That is the me that still loves you eternally, locked away in a case forever more, until you open me up and save my soul once more, as you did when I first met you.

I shall never forget you, nor ever wish to, for as long as my spirit shall struggle with its tragic and selfish deeds acted upon in the millennia to come. I am sorry you feel the way you do, and if by some unexplainable miracle you do chose to come save my pain-wrenched mind, I am greeting you with open arms and tear-filled eyes.

Forever in sorrow,

A passing face in a mindless crowd, as I am nothing without you

Ps. I never thought you stupid. You are smarter than me in every way, and I respect you for such honorable a quality.

Dear Heero Yui,

I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry. I never meant to fill your empty nights with loneliness, pain, sorrow, pity, and low self-esteem. It's just that sometimes I can't stand some of your qualities.

The night you became so violent is still a horrid scar in my mind. After I rightfully stormed out of the room, I had hidden in a park on a small corner that I had always wished we had gone in. I could always see children playing, laughing, and having fun on the playground there. But we were too old. I sat there on the swings, the one thing that I had always wanted to play on when I was young, struggling with all the thoughts and ideas racing through my heated head. I could hear angels speaking to me then. They were calling out my name, beckoning me to join their joyful party.

They told me I would be happy there, I could be free and satisfied. It sounded like such a good deal, it was hard to resist. I could still hear them telling me that only a gun barrel and a trigger stood in my way to true happiness. They said I could have the one thing I loved the most there forever. 

It shook me then that these were lies. I could never come to them. Why would anyone want a horrid, murderous, unstable soul like mine up there? I was the god of death. I was a killing machine. I didn't go to heaven, but sent people there in my place. But I was so close, I could hear heaven. God, I wished I could just relieve my soul for one instant from all the pain that had settled there since I was young. But relief never came. I was tempted to take up the offer, but one thought brought me back to the reality that I could never be truly happy there.

How did you hurt me? I guess now that I think of it, it was really something along the lines of jealousy. I was angry with you because I was only second best compared to Yui; I could only ever be second best. You were the hero, you were the savior. I was "What's-his-name" or "The-kid-with-the-braid". I was never Duo Maxwell, just Heero and the other pilots. Once in awhile I was lucky if a paper even got my name down. Of course, it was always spelt wrong, and only came up once or twice, if I was lucky. You were perfect.

Earlier that night you had gone down to have a few drinks in the bar. I never asked why, I never did. You never drank, and I should have been suspicious. I let it be that your business was yours, and continued with my night. But when you came up, rosy cheeked and yelling, I was frightened. It was the first time I had ever been frightened of you. You kicked and beat me, yelling and cussing the whole time. You brought back horrible memories of my past. Of the people who used to beat me up as well. I thought you were truly better than they in every way, but I was wrong. You were drunk. You were violent. You were viscous. I was lucky to escape with the few bits of clothes left on my back.

That was the last I saw of you. I was too scared to see you again, afraid that you may become angry again. I knew deep down that you wouldn't, and that you were attempting with everything you had to gain any contact with me once more. I never showed you the blood that streaked my face. I never showed you the bruises that covered my entire body. I never showed you my ripped skin, my torn emotions. I rather regret not showing you what you had done to me. I was afraid you'd do it again.

I was scared of you, Heero. I am still afraid of what would happen if this ever happened again. I cannot stop weeping just thinking about it, it pains me so. I gave you my heart and you dug your nails into it and skewed it as though a simple child's toy. It hurt, Heero, it still does, too. I don't know what to do now. I just don't know.

Regards,

Duo M.

Dear Duo,

You have all rights to ask me what you please. I may not answer you always, but I shall never leave you on a blank end.

Since it has gone this far, I will tell you what happened that night. I had had no intentions on drinking any alcohol that night. I was slipped a powerful drug that night, and I hadn't sensed it in my misery. I reacted differently to the drug than expected. I turned violent from the effects and pain brought to me by life. I was kicked out after trying to beat the guy who slipped it to me. I believe he was a child molester, and I was slipped a date rape drug. But my body is different from others, as I am. I don't know why I reacted the opposite than I should have. Perhaps there were other chemicals mixed in there, I don't know for sure. I was forced to my room, and there an act so stupid and shameful came about--beating you. I don't remember what I was yelling, or if it even made sense whatsoever. I vowed myself never to go to a place like that ever again, but it was too late. The deed was done, and the consequences were taken place.

But I never told you why I was down there. A long time ago, I had a mentor. He was the closet thing I had to any kind of relative. He was killed while I was still young. He told me when I was younger, that when he died, I should give a drink to him. It was a drink, but not alcoholic. I'm sure he didn't mind. That day I was having a rough day, and I had been recalling my few precious memories I had experienced with him. I felt miserable, I felt distracted. I could consider it my fault this happened, and I take responsibility for it, if you still place it on me. I just wanted you to know the facts behind the story.

Forever yours,

Heero Y.

Ps. I shall gladly talk to the media about these horrible blunders immediately if you want me to.

Dear Heero,

When reading your story, I began to see the selfish actions that I performed myself. I am very sorry this has happened. I do not blame you for what has happened, but am still wary of what could happen. I feel bad for dragging this subject unnecessarily and hiding behind it as an excuse. But please watch where you are going and think about the consequences and possibilities before doing something like this ever again. I know we all make mistakes and have bad days. Even you are not perfect, no matter what the press says. You need not talk to them about the silly little issue, but if they ever interview you, I think it may be nice if you told them you were not alone in these good and bad acts.

I.....would like to see you again, if it possible. I'm not afraid anymore, Heero. I trust you now, as long as you stay true as you always have. I know I shall try to watch my mistakes as well, so not to hurt you. Please forgive me for my wrongly accusations against you, as I forgive you for anything.

Forever,

Duo

Ps. I never told you what stopped me from killing myself. They said I could have the one thing I loved the most, but I knew that you were still down on Earth.

Dear Duo,

You need not forgiveness for your mistakes. I know that even Shinigami is not perfect. I will think my actions more thoroughly from now on to avoid another awful incident like this one happening again.

I want to see you too, Duo. If you would like to find me......you can find me on the swings in a little park on the corner, waiting for you.

I love you always and forever,

Heero

Heero-

I love you too, always, and forever.

Duo


End file.
